


EGS Flash Fic Week 2019 - MeliHaber/Hat entries

by MeliandreHaberdasher



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coffee Shop, Family Friendly Rapping, Fantasy Wasteland, Gatekeeping, Only small fics here, Pizza, Public Service Announcement, Super Orcs, Wikipedia Entries Masquerading as Ficlet, mall, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-05 00:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20480294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeliandreHaberdasher/pseuds/MeliandreHaberdasher
Summary: Zee McZed decided to organize a Flash Fic week for this year - These will contain the one shots relating to this fic week.To paraphrase John Cena, these fics will be posted without explanation, for your interpretation. Enjoy.





	1. Constants

“I'm telling you that's a bad pick.”

“Eh, it's only the office pool, it's not like I'm on Draft Queens or anything that'll cost serious money.”

The Sweet Cookies coffee shop had been an institutional hangout for young folk and adults alike ever since Justin's aunt opened it. He'd been working the counter as always while two customers were arguing about the only thing they'd ever argue about. Fantasy football.

“But the analytics say he's terrible. You really shouldn't...”

“Look George, if he's really that terrible, I trade him on week two or three for a second string QB on the Vultures, the Olympians or the Concordes. By week four, there's a big chance their main QB's no more than a smear on the ground because their O-lines suck, and their calendars are easy-peasy lemon squeezy.” grinned the woman as she finished up her picks. The man returned the grin, he loved that woman. She's the only one who really got him.

“Guess that's why we're such a great team, huh?” stated the man before ruffling the woman's hair, stoically.

Justin came to the couple's table to give them their order – a caramel macchiato for the man, and an espresso doppio for the woman.

“So, how goes the fantasy footballin'?” asked Justin. “Did the orcs throw a touchdown against the hobbits?” It was his turn to grin. He'd always hidden his geekdom, but with these two he could let it out. They respected dedication to a singular subject, even they had chosen different paths – For them, it was football. For him? Tabletop miniatures.

“Nah, we're just thinking of a strategy for my office pool. I'd ask you for your advice but you wouldn't know a front tackle from a bait and tackle, dear.” The woman couldn't stop herself from grinning at this point. “Let's see if you got better with your barista skills.”

She started to drink the coffee, savoring the bitter flavors. The woman found herself nodding as she put down the cup.

“You're getting better!” She gave Justin a thumbs-up before shooing him away, as George poked her under the table with his foot. Justin acquiesced as he had other stuff to do behind the counter.

With a deadly serious look, the woman looked into George's eyes, needing to ask him a difficult question.

“Are you sure you want to take my name?” she asked.

George smiled, the most sincere smile he'd ever given.

“I'd love nothing more than to be Mr. Tensaided.”


	2. People Are Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, we visit the Oblivious Wand Waving universe, where Susan's writing in a journal at the mall.

_My friends, regardless of their otherwise astute observations, have yet to realize that everything is wrong. Tedd, or rather, Tess, bought a wand and has been waiving it around thinking it did nothing. Yet, ever since she did, the entire world has changed in subtle ways. I do not know why I'm immune to its effects, as I was supposed to be an armadillo and yet retain my human form._

_This has been tested thoroughly. I have stood in front of a mirror and saw that my form was correct. I have also asked my close friends at the time to verify that I did not transform into some armadillo-humanoid hybrid. _

_Yet, this has driven a wedge between my friends and I – While I was never a sociable person, I have all but retreated into my shell these days. Even when I am out in public, it is merely a performance as I wish nothing but complete silence. It is only to add credence to my deflection statement – 'I was at the mall'. _

_I am always at the mall. That is why you did not see me. I spend my weekends writing in this book, while my friends move on with their lives, oblivious to these changes. Sometimes, I wonder why I even care about them? The changes, not my friends I mean. Regardless of my recent cold shoulder towards them, I still consider them my friends. _

_However, conspiracy hack it may sound, it is extremely difficult living in a world where everything is wrong, and being the only person who knows it. Without proof of the wand's changes, I cannot convince anyone that it did actually function. Whatever magic it possesses, it is very thorough. People who became cow-girls have their memories and even photographic evidence all modified to fit this new reality, as though it has always been this way. Perhaps this is how the wand maintains the obliviousness. Yet who, or what, would have the power to make these changes permanent, or be this thorough? Even the strongest immortal I'd ever seen would have found the amount of power needed to even consider making this object completely ludicrous._

_All I know is that this wand has erected a wall between my friends and I. And I intend to-_

Suddenly a tail thwacks Susan's journal away, and at the end of that tail is Sarah, having inexplicably grown a tail. Susan could feel the effects of the magic attempting to rewrite her brain yet fizzling, as it always does. Susan immediately turned around and looked the person with the tail dead in the eye.

"What in the everloving goddamn fuck are you doing, you brainless shit?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I suppose I should explain the train of thought here.
> 
> Susan, in that universe, was supposed to become an armadillo. I found that Garasha looked like a sort of armadillo, so I just figured... what if the change was done on the inside?
> 
> Hence that.


	3. You Were Warned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We follow Grace's adventures in the Fantasy Wasteland, and its unfortunate power dynamics.

Persuasion had failed. They were immune to Chill. Even ten levels later, they were still far too strong for Grace Squirrel and her faithful companion Carol to beat.

Grace, the actual person playing the game, was tired of reloading over and over, and wanted to see this settlement gone as a quest had asked for that and its reward? A set of gauntlets that would fix her lack of melee damage problem due to the Squirrel Person’s bonus to damage due to claws somehow stacking with gauntlets.

The problem is, peaceful solution was out of the question.

Even after encountering these, they’d somehow evolved further. What had been unknown to Grace at the time is that Super enemies kept leveling their leveling per level, and more importantly, Orcs gained additional characteristics as they grew in level. As she had beefed up over level 20, they had gained a new characteristic – Metal.

Each spell in her arsenal was countered via nullifying riffs. Their licks caused paralysis, something she knew full well from another game. Worst, past level 20, their leader could use Hellish Arpeggios which needed to be countered with something even louder – something even Carol’s town banishing bell could not come close to match.

“Why don’t you just come back later?” asked Sarah, who was kind of tired of wanton transformation and started paying attention to Grace’s frustration.

“Because I want those gauntlets now!” was the answer. None would deter Grace Squirrel and her town crier/bard Carol. Yet, perhaps it was that combo that was hindering her… if Carol specialized in Bard and…<

No, she couldn’t. She couldn’t betray her free spirited friend like that. Even though she already had done so by giving her actual armor. Carol was a Town Crier and Bard, and a Town Crier and Bard she would stay.

Until Grace took a look at the skill tree. It had everything to defeat the Metal Super Orcs.

A button press here, skill stacks there, and Carol the Town Crier/Bard had become a full fledged Bard. Yet, Grace was not happy with what she had to do, and when she unleashed Carol’s newfound power upon the Metal Super Orcs, canceling out all of their sound skills with Carol’s now groaning deep voice and excessively high pitched screeches, she remembered that she had heard something about this before.

“Do you have ANY idea how METAL their music must be!?”

Grace Squirrel now knew. And there was no turning back.

(Reputation with Underground Dwarven Ruins settlement Down)


	4. Grace-a-Rap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I unleash a shitpost in flash fic form. Please do not read this.

“Justin, what are you doing?”

“Shhhh let me concentrate.”

“♪ I want to be the best there ever was ~ To beat all the rest, yeah that’s my cause ♪”

Elecgrace, Digrace, Graceoran, Gracekey, uh... Biggest Graceasaur? Rattagrace, Feargrace, Gracegey, Seagrace, Joltgrace, Dragongrace, Gracely, Ponygrace, Vaporgrace, Gracewrath, Gracefly

“♪ Grace-A-Monsters, gotta catch 'em all ~ Gracey-Grace! ~ I'll search across the land, look far and wide ~ Release from my hand the power that's inside ♪”

“Justin, this is terrible. Please stop.”

Graceomoth, Graceywag, Graceorino, Graceduck, Biggergracesaur (inhales), Gracemer, Victreegrace, Molgrace, Graceoking, Gracefetch'd, Grabra, Jigglygrace, Graceler, Gracehorn, Grafable, Wigglygrace

“♪ Grace-A-Monsters, gotta catch 'em all ~ Gotta catch ‘em all, Gracey-Grace! ♪”

Zugra, Graceape, Gracewth, Graceix, Gracedude, Rapigrace, Graceton, Snorgrace, Gracegar, Tangegrace, Gracedeen, Speargrace, Gracezing, Sealgrace, Gracedos, Gracebro

“♪ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, yeah ~ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, yeah ~ Gotta catch 'em all Gracey-Grace ♪”

“Justin this is getting ridiculous!”

“No Bubbles, this is just getting started!”

Graceto, Graceian, Graceras, Horgrace, Ratigrace, Gracemite, Gradabra, Weepingrace, Grace, Cloygrace, Catergrace, Graceshrew, Gracesaur, Gracemander, Gralem, Grachu

“♪ At least one hundred and fifty or more to see ~ Mastering Grace-a-Monsters is my destiny ♪”

“Ok, I’m outta here. Call me when you’re willing to actually battle some Grace-a-monsters.”

Grakazam, Graduo, Gracenat, Grachoke, Kangracekhan, Hypnograce, Electagrace, Flaregrace, Biggestshellgrace (inhales once again), Gracewhirl, Oddgrace, Drowgrace, Graichu, Graceoqueen, Gracesprout, Gracemie

“Woo! I’m at the halfway point, doing great so far. Wait, Bubbles? Where are you? Oh well, break time's over, here we go”

Metagrace, Marograce, Grakuna, Grafairy, Gradrio, Seagra, Graceplume, Graceby, Lickigrace, Taurgrace, Weegrace, Graceoran, Grachop, Shellgrace, Porygrace, Gracemonchan

“♪ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, yeah ~ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, yeah ♪”

Articgrace, Gracenx, Graceorina, Beegrace, Graceter, Shellgrace, Gracey (Grace-a-monsters), Grarasect, Exeggrace, Grauk, Dewgrace, Graceotto, Lagrace, Vulgrace, Gracedon

“♪ At least one hundred and fifty or more to see ~ Mastering Grace-a-Monsters is my destiny ♪”

Biggestgracemander (inhales so deeply it can be overheard the next town over), Grachamp, Pingrace, Gracefing, Dugrace, Golgra, Graceryu, Magigrace, Gracetales, Ekgrace, Gracestar, Scygrace, Gracecool, Gragonair, Magrace

“I’ll catch my breath man, shake out those lips. It's downhill from here, just 24 more to go. Now it gets tricky, so I won’t mess it up!”

Graceslash, Gracelee, Psygrace, Grarcanine, Ggracee, Exeggracetor, Gracetops, Zapgrace, Gratini, Grawlithe, Ms. Mime, Cugrace, Graceler, Voltgrace, Graoom

“We're almost home, Gracemander! ♪ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, yeow ~ Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all, huaw ~ Gotta catch 'em all, Gracey-grace!”

Biggergracemander (sharp inhale), Biggershellgrace (sharper inhale), Gracetwo, Gracecruel, Aerogracetyl, Gracenyte, Gracepoke Gracegeot, Grabok

“That's all folks! I did it! I managed to name all 150 Grace-a-monsters in one family-friendly rap song!” Justin exclaimed, finally aware that no one bore witness to his accomplishment.

Even Gracemander’s warm hug could not console him.


	5. The Past is the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the parody's reboot, I suppose.

Nanase Craft – archaeologist adventurer extraordinaire, who’s probably caused the same amount of damage to world heritage sites as the monetary value of artifacts she has plundered from evil hands who seek to use them to rule the world for some reason, was finally at a loss for words.

Someone had asked her to do her biography.

Did she really want to revisit the hardships that made her who she is? Sure, she was an aloof, confidant woman these days, with both men and women fawning over her beauty and daring, but back then, she was merely an archaeology student who wasn’t even meant to go on that fateful trip.

The friends she made… and then lost. Her mentor, Adrian, somehow died in front of her, shielding her from a blow when she was fresh out of university, out of her depth, accompanying some sort of clout-chasing wannabe archaeologist.

Then there was that whole kerfluffle in Russia, where one of her oldest friends betrayed her for the sake of ridding herself of an illness. Forgiveable, except she also wanted to take over the world for an evil organization. She had to remember how to trust others after that incident.

All of this loss – Did she really want to revisit all of that? She had much more interesting stories to tell than getting bruised, battered, broken before she had all of her experience and magic power. She survived, yes, but she also did things she wasn’t exactly proud of.

No, she decided. Nanase Craft’s past would remain the past until she was at least retired. For now, the present, which was uncovering the past of things long gone, was far more interesting.


	6. Another Public Service Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you seriously think the pizza place was done filming public service announcements? You were wrong.

“This isn’t REAL pizza.”

Mr. Largepizza groaned. He was not aware of yet another person disturbing the relative calm of his pizza establishment. First, pizza was communist, and then you have his pizza being not real. Truly, this day had been the most harrowing of days within his makeshift pizza store for public service announcements.

And this one seemed like it would be an actual public service announcement. When could he go back to serving actual pizza?

“No, this pizza is real pizza. There’s a crust, toppings, tomato sauce and cheese!” Oh, Bridgette, your naïveté is endearing.

This time, it was a man in a newsie cap, with glasses and a beard. At least he wouldn’t call for COMMUNISM or an affront to his first amendment rights.

“First, the oven used is not a wood-fired oven specifically for pizza. Second, I sincerely doubt you are using San Marzano tomatoes, or even better, Pomodorino Vesuviano, for your tomato sauce. The cheese is obviously not Mozzarella di Bufala Campana nor Fior di Latte di Agerola” the man stated and continued. “As such, this is not real pizza, you should be ashamed of calling yourself a pizza parlor and I am super smart.”

Mr. Largepizza immediately attempted to dismiss the walking Wikipedia article but Bridgette, in her optimistic ways, moved to talk to him.

“But we’re not claiming to be real neapolitan pizza! We’re just trying to make good pizza for everyone! We can make dishes that are slightly different with what we have on hand!” she stated. The man was not impressed.

“Mr. Largepizza wakes up very early to make sure the dough as best it can be, and he even makes the sauce himself with real tomatoes! So what if they’re not the traditional specialty, I know our pizza is delicious! We want everyone to enjoy our pizza!” Bridgette stated exhuberantly.

“...is the wheat used type 0 or 00? Has he imported his yeast from Naples or is using brewer’s yeast?” the man asked. She knew it was a gatekeeping question, but she didn’t exactly know the answer to it. After all, she was just very enthusiastic about pizza and just put toppings on at best.

“I… don’t know? Maybe? There’s different wheat flours?” Bridgette looked confused, but Mr Largepizza, proud of his establishment, had already left to serve other customers, who were now sternly looking at the man. He seemed quite diminished.

“We like our pizza the way it is!”, “Yeah!”, “Who are you anyway?”

“All right, I’ll give it a try.” the man said, looking a bit dejected. Minutes later, a pizzetta came out just for him. With fork and knife in hand, he began eating it in earnest, discovering the local flavors that his gatekeeping had made him miss out on.

“This is delicious! Yes! Yes!” he exclaimed loudly, under the proud and happy eyes of both Mr Largepizza and Bridgette.

‘That’s a wrap! Good job all of you. Especially you for learning the whole Neapolitan Pizza wikipedia entry by heart.’ said an off-screen squirrel person.

Tensaided, in an aside to Ashley, couldn’t help but commentate that this last part seemed a bit too self-congratulatory.


	7. North vs. South

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Villains from Moperville South have beaten up Tedd! What will Elliot do!?

Elliot had enough of this. Tedd’d been beaten up by thugs from Moperville South and he knew that his best friend couldn’t defend himself. It fell to him to avenge this affront and give these dummies from South what for. If they think they can beat up someone from Moperville North without any comeuppance, they were sorely mistaken.

Rushing to their typical hangout of the basketball court, he saw them gloat about the beating they gave to the small boy from North, and that was all that was needed for Elliot to give one of the thugs from South a swift flying kick to the side of the head.

“I’m Elliot from North, you wanted to throw down, well here I am!” he yelled out. They were happy to oblige, with bats and chains.

Dodging every blow from these untrained yet strong underlings, he gave them punch after punch, knocking them out in succession before turning around, and seeing only a few left, with their leader watching in tow. The other boy had his uniform open, with an obvious belly wrap to protect his lower area, and he was showing a lot of chest for a high schooler, what with his buttoned shirt being completely open. In fact, Elliot had a hard time looking away from it, but he would not falter, chest or no chest. He knew who this was – they’d seen each other several times at school meets.

“Justin! Why’d your goons attack my best friend Tedd!?” Elliot shouted at him. Justin looked surprised.

“They did WHAT!? I told them to take care of Tedd when he would swing by! Not beat him up!” He looked at his underlings sternly. They quickly vacated the premises.

“ ‘Take care of’ is a euphemism for beat up, you dingus!”

“Nobody calls me a dingus on my own turf! Not even you, Elliot!”

Justin ran at Elliot, trying to kick him several times in one single running jump. Elliot blocked them all and tried to retaliate with his own rapid-fire kicks. Justin blocked these as well. Followed a flurry of blows – hands, elbows, knees, feet, and head - that were all expertly dodged and parried.

After a while, both boys were not necessarily exhausted, but realized the folly of keeping it up if only because neither was making any headways on beating the other up. Also, mainly because Justin realized just how hot Elliot actually was. He’d seen him at sports meets before, namely just keeping an eye out for his school just in case others tried foul play, but he’d never seen him up close before – and what he saw, he most definitely liked. If only he’d unbutton his shirt and… Justin was blushing hardcore.

“Uh, Justin? Weren’t we fighting?” Elliot asked, seeing that the other boy had stopped throwing out punches and kicks.

“We were but we haven’t landed an actual hit in ages, if at all.”

“Fair point.”

The two looked at each other, Justin feeling a connection that, unfortunately, wasn’t there. He moved to kiss Elliot, only for Elliot to uppercut him.

“And now I have, tell your thugs to stay away from Moperville North, or else.”

Justin, with spirals in his eyes, nodded and gave a thumbs up before fainting.


End file.
